Frustrating

I've been stewing over this entry for a little while. A week ago tonight, I said another one of those awful goodbyes that seem to define my life… This summer has been so overflowing with incredible moments and memories. My parents have taught me to embrace life's idiosyncrasies with dignity and laughter since I was born. The moments where I'm bent over, barely breathing from laughter are some of the most precious and well-preserved memories. However, it's the everyday stuff that's frustrating. My dad and I, by virtue of genetics, are near matches in personality. We've learned over time how to push each other's buttons, so we get locked in arguments, neither one wanting to back down. The sarcasm flows freely and the game is on. At the end of the day, though, Billy Joel makes us sing, Stevie Wonder makes us dance and we both agree that Sara Bareilles is all kinds of great.

In the frustration, there is ample room for beauty. My dad and I have a beautiful rapport. Case in point, me holding back tears as he drove me home from work one final time… So, he lightens the mood and throws some Natasha Bedingfield on (he had recently discovered and loved "Freckles"). By the time we're driving into the driveway, "Love Like This" featuring Sean Kingston is blaring. My dad pulls the car over into the track that goes around our property and gets out of the car and starts to dance. As the song ends, he turns it on again and comes around to my side. And we dance, like the crazies that we are. By the time we get back in the car to drive up the driveway, we're both losing it because goodbyes are really hard to face. The maddening thing is that even though I'm stuck in this cycle of homecomings and goodbyes pretty much for the rest of my life, I wouldn't trade anything for my "love like this"

Part of the journey that I'm on is daily frustration. Sometimes, it's my own pride. Sometimes, it's the intimidating feeling that I live in a culture with no room for my convictions and life experience. It's really tough not to lose myself in the constant tension. So, I dance. Like a total weirdo. Alone on a cliff. I dance. Sometimes, I flip through my iPod until I find the right song and sometimes the song comes to me in a fit of shufflin' genius. Example… I'm not a huge Bruce Springsteen fan. I mean, I totally respect his legacy and work, but I didn't grow up listening to him. So, I'll listen to his stuff on the odd occasion. The other night, I'm dancing through this incredible evening on the cliff when Born to Run comes on. So, I waited it out and realized that "Tramps like us, baby we were born to run" was exactly what I wanted to scream into the wind. 

See, I'm not the most patient human being. I think I drive heaven nuts because I'm like, "God, I'm really really passionate about doing this. Can we make this happen now?" and then he responds with a "Wait on my timing…" and I'm planning my world takeover. So, everyday life gets really frustrating, because I'm definitely not taking over the world any time soon. This year, I think one of the most valuable lessons I've learned is waiting on God and trusting His faithfulness. It sucks a whole heck of a lot, but it's also totally worth it. I remember listening to a Mumford line: "When I'm on my knees, I'll still believe". In a moment where I was sick and tired of carrying the sadness of my heart, I chose to hear the Spirit speak (in a rather unorthodox way). 

I remember crawling into bed with my mom this summer, worried about a number of things. She told me that she combats worry and insomnia with good old Proverbs 3:5-6. My mother, the queen of all wisdom, was right as always. She's also passed on a healthy love of the verse in Psalms: "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart". As I understand it, the "desires of your heart" aren't just things like a nice, comfortable house and a nice comfortable lifestyle… The desires of your heart are the things that make you come alive, the things that make you tick. Those who know me know that justice issues, African politics, poverty, global community and empathy, calculus and a good book put a spark in my heart and an endless stream of thoughts pouring from my mouth. So, it's frustrating to live a life that is not necessarily aligned with those passions and among people that don't necessarily 'get it'. Still, one of the most poignant moments for me this summer was a visit with some old friends who have recently been granted the desires of their hearts and to see the hand of our incredibly faithful God on their lives.  

Speaking of tears, my parents left a birthday card behind for me when they left. Yes, I was born on August 7th and yes, they left on the 19th. Because of a variety of factors, we celebrated my birthday over an extended period of time. We did cake and a present before the day then (lots of) cake, then a few days later we did the special home-cooked meal I had wanted for my birthday, then we did lunch out and finally, we landed on the card. Now, my birthday cards are always the best because my dad's a total goof head and my mother is one classy, precious lady. So, I've grinned and cried my way through the card a few times now. Why would I put myself through that kind of emotion, you ask (this is the part of the show where I place questions in your mouth you probably wouldn't ever ask)? It's really quite simple… Their words fill me with the confidence and love that they have for me. That's love, at least as close as I can pin it… It's a frustrating, heartbreaking ride but it's also the ride that leads to a lot of extraneous laughter and dancing. 

One of my favourite songs off of Lady Antebellum's new CD is called "Generation Away". The groove is seriously cool and just reeks of a breezy summer evening. There's this whole situation where they break into "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands", which is actually a very cool, gospel tune. 

"So, baby, let's dance."