Broken

There are days when there's nothing left to do but write. Today, even after a 30 page theatre project completed primarily by hand, is one of those days. As I look back on my childhood, I feel as if I was a more whole being, that I'm growing increasingly broken as I age. Dreams, hopes, wishes are shattered in overwhelming realities, in all their brokenness. I swear I was born with a hyper-sensitive soul. The pain in a begging child's eyes. The man crippled by polio or war. The hurt in a middle's school girl's experience of a world that dictates impossible standards of beauty and worth. It kills me. Every time. And yet, my sensitivity does not prevent my own actions that break pieces of others' lives. It's the cycle of human nature at its worst.

When I was a little girl, I attended church at a variety of Mozambican Baptist churches. It took me almost four years to embrace a style of worship that seemed too free and energetic for my self-conscious little self. Church had always been a solemn place for me. Now, I understand the beauty of their worship, singing and dancing with basic, homemade instruments. Where did they find beauty and joy in their poverty and brokenness? To me, it's not just a lesson in gratitude; it's a lesson in embracing things that don't work and rejoicing in the God who always works.

Today, I hate myself for being a dreamer, for putting my heart on the cruel admissions process line. Today, I hate myself for believing in the goodness of people and opening my heart up and trusting them with it. Tomorrow, when the rampant emotions of these last few months fade, I will see the beauty of my hurt as proof that the world's apathy has not yet conquered me.

I love fist-pumping anthems. What Doesn't Kill You by Kelly Clarkson. Fighter by Christina Aguilera. Lea Michele's version of Don't Rain on My Parade. Nicki Minaj and Rihanna's Fly. I can rap just like Nicki. I'm not kidding. Something Beautiful by Needtobreathe. It's not technically an anthem, but it speaks to my still living dreams all the same. I may or may not try to hit Idina Menzel's huge note at the end of Defying Gravity.

This may be my own act of attaching beauty and significance to my brokenness. I don't always apply what I sing to my attitude towards life but I believe it, with about 1000% of my heart. I believe not because I can see my life coming together in front of my eyes but because I know that there is One who will fix up my brokenness as long as I step back and let Him.

I've always wanted to be known as a strong young woman, fighting back hard when someone refuses to accept my worth. Today, my strength is diminished. Today, I'm discouraged more than I'm not. Today, I have nothing to celebrate. No Ivy League acceptance letter. No clarity concerning my future. Just a lot of broken dreams. A lot of pain as I begin to realize the implications of ill-placed words and ill-placed trust. A lot of painful growth as I realize that my assumptions are not always God's answers. It is a journey of building brokenness. My saving grace (besides, the obvious one, of course) is that I do not have to make this journey alone. No, I'm not talking about the people who come in and out of my life when it suits their schedule or the people who support me or trash me based on their mood that day.

I'm talking about the girls who sit down over tea and cry with me. The girls who come to my house on the night of my prom (but are not attending this prom) and do my hair and makeup. The guys who call me crazy and still let me rant and rage to them for hours. The family who puts up with un-quantifiable mood swings and snarky comments. The men and women who have taken on the role of uncles, aunts, and head cheerleaders in my life. They give me confidence. They inspire me. They put that smile on my face. It's not fake. It's not broken.

"It don't have a job, don't pay your bills

Won't buy you a home in Beverly Hills

Won't fix your life in five easy steps

Ain't the law of the land or the government

But it's all you need.

And love will hold us together

Make us a shelter to weather the storm

And I'll be my brother's keeper

So the whole world would know that we're not alone"